To live or to die
Recently I had a four month period of unemployment.
During this time my self esteem and confidence hit an all time low.
I just happened to find a posting on a Canadian emigration website from my father. He was asking how easy it would be for him and his Russian wife to move to Canada.
The response was a long one and included the fact that if a relative of his was employed in Canada he would be able to move there.
So I receive an email from my father suggesting that I think of getting a job in Canada - he never even mentions the web posting, which I accidentally came across.
The manipulative poor sad old git!
One morning I walked up to the railway line nearby working out where I would throw myself in front of a train.
I could not find an opening in the bushes to the side of the tracks so I turned back to the house.
On telling a longtime good friend about this he told me 'If you ever feel like killing yoursel call me. Anytime night or day even if it is three o'clock in the morning ring me.'
This gave me a sense that at least one person valued me.
This was enough to help me realise how much pain my suicide would cause others.
Life is such a mixed blessing.
One can have reallly horrible experiences and one can have friends who one feels have arrived with the wings of angels.
Strangely enough the best friends i have are the least 'spiritual' friends.
Belongiong to a 'spiritual' order of ordained Buddhists I must say that my experience has tended to be that those closest to the edge are the most human - strange isn't it.
During this time my self esteem and confidence hit an all time low.
I just happened to find a posting on a Canadian emigration website from my father. He was asking how easy it would be for him and his Russian wife to move to Canada.
The response was a long one and included the fact that if a relative of his was employed in Canada he would be able to move there.
So I receive an email from my father suggesting that I think of getting a job in Canada - he never even mentions the web posting, which I accidentally came across.
The manipulative poor sad old git!
One morning I walked up to the railway line nearby working out where I would throw myself in front of a train.
I could not find an opening in the bushes to the side of the tracks so I turned back to the house.
On telling a longtime good friend about this he told me 'If you ever feel like killing yoursel call me. Anytime night or day even if it is three o'clock in the morning ring me.'
This gave me a sense that at least one person valued me.
This was enough to help me realise how much pain my suicide would cause others.
Life is such a mixed blessing.
One can have reallly horrible experiences and one can have friends who one feels have arrived with the wings of angels.
Strangely enough the best friends i have are the least 'spiritual' friends.
Belongiong to a 'spiritual' order of ordained Buddhists I must say that my experience has tended to be that those closest to the edge are the most human - strange isn't it.
posted by GreenTree at 9:42 PM
4 Comments:
I'm so sorry to hear this...I hope you can find an inner peace....I've recently met a person who, over dinner, told me that he was sent to an English boarding school at the age of 7 till 17....and that he absolutely resents his parents for it, he's 43 yrs old now and has huge "fear of abandonment" issues, always pushing away someone who gets too close. Now I realize that your are not a relationship expert, but how have you dealt with adult intimacy since your experience?
Thank you for the comment.
I'm happy to answer your question regarding intimacy on a private basis.
The reason being there are issues which I would not want in the public domain.
So if you are interested in an answer email me at:
anonnyman at googlemail dot com
I agree...I wasn't sure how to pose this type of question so publicly!
Just don't loose hope,everything has a purpose.I'm sorry to hear this story.
We sort of have the same story experiencing also unemployment is really depressing,but life has to go on.
live life to the fullest.
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